i cried just now. i really don't know what happened. it could be because of me missing OBS, it could be the pressure of nationals, it could be the pressure from the school works, or it could just be the fact that i had mood swings.

i sort of remembered what our instructor, nat, told us about RG. i really do not want to return to singapore. i just want to continue living on the island, leading a carefree life.

i'm back on this island, back to the roles i'm playing all along, and back to the square and rigid mould of the society.

freedom means nothing here. no one ever speaks for one another. when we return to ourselves, we find and take back all the negative sides of us. we become competitive, become selfish and self centered. where have all the things gone? life is fast paced here. who ever stops to look at things around us? who ever stops to appreciate things that others have done for you? who? just who? once again, i felt trapped. i felt something missing in me. i felt like crying. i felt lost.

first heard the fixtures from adele while we were waiting for the buses. i almost cried. it was almost the same as last year's. the thought that nationals are just in a week's time is freaking me out. seriously, we are not exactly very prepared. moreover, most of us will be rusty because of the LSC/OBS. i don't know. i just feel like S.

i chionged to training after OBS. the taxi driver took a longer way. freak. never mind. then i heard of the exact dates of the matches. and i felt like crying again. sorry. i will be missing lessons almost everyday. i don't want this kind of thing. i am willing to sacrifice my studies over nationals. but i... just don't want what happened last year to happen. i just don't want everything to be squeezed into 2 weeks. i will be traumatised.

ok i'm crying now.

chenxies prediction: (during and after the march holidays) chenxies will go to school with a very very very black face everyday. and will be emotionally unstable. might cry unexpected. will definitely have mood swings. will get frustrated very easily. chenxies will be traumatised and sad everyday.

i seriously feel like dying. ok i don't feel like crying since i'm crying now. haiz. i hope i will be alright. please please please. i just don't want to disappoint anyone (esp. coach) anymore. i've let down too many people already. i just don't want the history to repeat itself again. thus, i must must must make it into the semi-finals of the championship. if i don't, i might just as well quit squash and go kill myself.

let's talk about some happy things. well. OBS. it's fun! ya not as tiring as i've thought. xueting got sexy lips now! hehe. i don't think i will need to blog a lot about it since everyone will definitely talk about it in their blogs. can refer to vera's blogs or other SUISEN people's blogs. perhaps i will talk a bit about it. I LOVE NAT! i miss her too. :'(

day 1

can't rmb what we did exactly. did some blindfolding games. erm i paired up with april and basically she sent me crashing into steps a lot of times. it's fun though. xD then did trustfall (sp?).

after dinner i nearly died can! i ran up and down the slope from our bunk to the canteen 5 times, right after dinner! first time, me and angela ran to get trolley to take the rations down. then we realised the store is locked. then i ran back to canteen to get the keys, then i realised the JIAs, duwei and liupei are carrying them down (with much difficulties cos it's heavy). got the keys and started running to the bunks to give keys. that's the third time. after throwing the keys, i ran up to help them carry stuffs. then angela came and i ran with her up the slope, pushing the trolley. i realised we cannot stop in the middle of the slope cos the trolly will turn and roll down slope. haha. xD

day 2

kayaked. did some capsizing and rescuing stuffs. i couldn't climb up the kayak! i tried using the bat way the i used the kayaks as a support then when i used strength the kayak just flew off can! haha. then did flying fox. quite fun la. haha. i still think that those people who committed suicide are brave. i really pei fu their courage. their determination to die is much more greater than those who took pills etc. built tents and cooked food (on mobile on the second day). oh. i bathed faster than adele this time! yay! first time! but she wore long pants and i wore shorts la. maybe that's the reason why. haha. xD

day 3

kayaked for the whole day. from one end of pulau ubin to another then around an island then to pasir ris. burnt on my left shoulder. but i think it wasn't very tiring la. haha. i think i was seasick. felt like floating throughout the whole day. lost one of my wet shoes. so i was just stoning. i saw april and liupei building the tents. and i took the tent covers as my shoes and walked there to help them. i helped to poke in 6 iron pegs using my hands! i'm so proud of mnyself! haha. xD so basically we finished very fast (last to start, first to complete). so after that i went to talk to bimbo (xueting). her lips are burnt. just saw her sms. cannot talk and close the mouth. JIAYOU! anyway we talked/crapped for a very long time. talked about a lot of things, from the L shape thing of the iron pegs to some lame stuffs. haha. then went to wash shoes, ate dinner. i went to finish all the curry chicken. and i felt like puking afterwards. opened a few cans and i just collapsed in the tents. it's like i'm half conscious, and felt very sick. so i didn't help out. sorry. and when i'm like half awake i'm still talking about opening the tin cans. a bit obsessed over it. xD

day 4

kayaked back. did the washing machine thing. had to throw each other and let them do back roll in the water. so fun! haha. then did some bonding games. it was super fun! esp. the raft game. haha. me and vera are like hugging each other. must really thank her! cos i got blindfolded a lot of times and she ended up have to pull me very hard to keep me balanced. haha. had jungle walk at night. at first we were supposed to do some tunnel thing but it can't work. so we ended up doing the jungle walk. nat (instructor) led us through a trail and we had to walk finish it alone, in the dark. it's supposed to be a straight one but while i was walking back i kind of lost my way cos half of the trail is not there. and there's a crossroad. i don't know which way to go. then i saw two black black shadows in front (they are just trees which i rmbed very clearly). luckily, i walked the correct way. nat did a very lame shooting star with a light stick. haha. we had a family tree! haha. me, vanda and some who left behind in the canteen ended up laughing until stupid. haha. we were so lame! and vanda kayaked until stupid. when we returned to our bunks, she ended up laughing non-stop for 15mins. bathed. and whenever i see miaoran, i will sing the song ba, wo hui lai le. hahahahah xD

day 5

did jetty jump. it rocks! cleared up and were ready to go home. so sad. heard of the fixtures from adele and i nearly cried. i felt like S. then went on the bus and sat with xueting. kind of complained everything to her. sorry! then we slept. yixiao's father sent me home. thanks! then i chionged home and threw everything into the washing machine and packed and chionged out of the house to SP for training. and it took me in total of 8 minutes to do all these chionging. amazing! faeces asked me to go trng. haha. then i heard that i will be playing in a championship during the holidays. and i felt like dying again. sian. ok. heard of exact dates of nationals from faeces. felt like dying again. haiz. nvm.

ok. that's about all the summary of OBS. was talking to adele. (i'm not crying anymore! xD) yea we are talking about **. and i felt super pissed. really.

ok it's really a very long post. shall end here. i hope i will have less mood swings.